Hadani, the Wolf, desires to be free.

Life or death was and is still not the point. It is the spiritual transformation Hadani looks toward. Yet the Divine gave Hadani life. Allopathic medicine showed her its power as she still lives. The Divine disallowed Hadani to die of self-inflicted wounds. With a great orchestration the Divine masked its organizing power and shuttled Hadani into the emergency ward of the Providence Hospital in Medford Oregon. Quite innocently, hoping for a prescription of pure oxygen (Hadani was suffocating) I said to the first person I saw upon entering the hospital, “We have no insurance or money, but my wife needs help.” The reply was, “You came to the right place!”

I must mention that Hadani and I had quite a bad attitude toward western medicine. The Divine had a social worker call us back after we had asked for information about some financial help for Hadani’s disability… our self-diagnosis Rheumatoid Arthritis. We had never returned the paperwork and we found it amazing that the social worker would take it upon himself to call us. He mentioned that he would give us a couple more weeks to get the paperwork in. I said, OK. Then in about three or four days we got a letter in the mail saying we have an appointment with a doctor in Medford to confirm that Hadani indeed had a disability. Well… Hadani was gasping for air, and thinking we might get some oxygen from the disability doctor, we decided to go to the appointment. We were also very puzzled that the social worker would take the trouble to set this all up, without any significant response or pressure from us. So we took this as a sign.

Getting Hadani to Medford was a big undertaking; she was very weak and literally starving to death as well as barely breathing. So when disability doctor said she was legally not able to prescribe the oxygen, but we could get a prescription from the emergence ward at a nearby hospital… we took advantage of being in town, and dared to enter the camp of the enemy.

The first doctor we saw looked very over worked and stressed and was extremely concerned for Hadani. Then the hospital doctor arrived… He was calm and beautiful. He looked like Lord Krishna.


He told Hadani in a matter of fact, but serene way, that he was sure she had the forth and final stage of Ovarian Cancer and they needed to take some fluid from her abdomen to verify his diagnosis. I must say that Hadani was all skin and bones with a huge belly. She looked, without exaggerating, like one of the photos of a starving child in Africa, taken just moments before death.

We talked, and gave him our spiritual point of view, just as if we were indeed talking to Lord Krishna. His response was that we appeared very comfortable with death and if Hadani was his daughter, he would suggest that we start the Hospice Program and close Hadani’s earthly life with comfort and dignity. In the few days that followed, our love fell into a very deep space. We were saying goodbye to each other in the most profound way. I can not attempt to write about it. I can't even conjure up the experience. All I can say is that for me, it was the deepest experience of love I have ever felt. It was total and completely fulfilling. Looking back, all I can say is that I sure loved being in love and for just the sake of love and not expecting “anything” from the object of my love… not even the object.

Then Krishna returned with beautiful smile on his face and said, “We can not find a bad cell in your water and now I would say to my daughter, “Abandon the Hospice Program and fight to live and together we will find out the nature of your disease and treat it!” And so we did. After four weeks of probing and poking into Hadani’s body, the Medford team had exhausted there potential for a diagnosis and they flew us up to OHSU, The Oregon Health and Science University in Portland Oregon, for further diagnosis. Three and a half weeks later they came to the conclusion that Hadani had a rare form of Lupus and started treatment.

I was very fortunate to be with Hadani 24/7 except for one night when Hadani was in intensive care at OHSU. My son Eric, who happened to live in Portland, took me in that night and from then on, he would bring me a stir-fry of vegetables every morning on his way to work. Our room at OHSU was fantastic. The Hospital was built on a wooded hill five hundred feet above the city and our room was on the 7th floor facing East. The view at sunrise was immense. A large river with arching bridges flowed through the middle of the city and the morning rays of the sun would turn the waters into molten silver. The sky was always filled with many levels of wide horizontal clouds, fog or overcast and when the clouds lifted a very impressive Mount Hood rose above the horizon to eleven thousand feet.

Our stay in the Hospitals passed like a dream. It was like being in Heaven. Everyone appear as a saint or angel. When we left, Hadani was sent to a rehabilitation clinic in Medford, and in comparison to the hospitals it felt like we arrived in Hell. I was not able to stay with her that night. Her roommate hated every one and was very deranged. The place was dirty and depressing. The compassionate Divine then gave Hadani a fever and she was rushed back into the hospital early the next morning for another week stay. Then, with the attention from physical therapists, we qualified to come straight home. Her recovery has been very fast. She now does all the cooking, takes walks, exercises and is gaining weight. Soon her doctor is going to wean her from the drug called Prednisone (a form of Cortisone) and introduce her to a much milder maintenance drug.

The Bear (Hada) and the Wolf (Hadani) are back.

Hadani’s transformation, which started in Portugal (which is another story), is not yet finished, and so it goes… What’s the next surprise?

I can not help thinking how difficult and confusing it must and will be for the medical community with all of the people starting to transform the caterpillar into a butterfly. For so long the doctors have been trying to contain the caterpillar in health and longevity and now their patient’s are caressing a new form, a new existence. Will we soon… all be gnawing our way out of this three dimensional trap?

I hope so!

Hadani, August 29, 2007
2-1/2 years after her
Lupus diagnosis.

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